so i got the site to work.

and, i wrote a lot, about things that i was thinking about tonight.

and then i deleted it.

so...who knows?


basically, hate takes energy, and i dont have it to spare. mom's making me call the doctor about anemia.

speaking of doctors
i really want to do doctors without borders.
i know that that is absolutely insane, since im a music student who isnt too good at science and cries at pictures in time magazine.
and definetly cannot afford med school.
but goddamnit, maybe i want to do more for people outside of my bubble.




my whole family showed up. it was packed. bittersweet... my grandpa has been in and out and in and out of the hospital lately. no one mentions that that influences things. he's fine though, don't you worry.


...today, i remembered what love is.
and i am so grateful.

I EXIST




doesn't that feel good.

...what if you never understand me??


it is interesting to discover that everyone has a breaking point.

"i'd even rather just lie in a bed...does that make sense"

"yes...no"


i adore the inner workings of the male mind (thank you for being my friend, i never said how much that means to me)




i think my problem with college is that i've lost my sense of home. the only home i have left is with him and even that takes time to find upon a long awaited return.

Is there such a thing as fate?



questions like this are much easier answered when one is watching sex and the city. on a beanbag...too bad it got all deflated...silly bean

i bought my first christmas present, and it's actually for one of my good friends at school instead of at home. funny. though, i suppose that people at home are somewhat harder to shop for because you've known them so long that you're supposed to already know what their favorite color is.

i guess i do though...ehren-bright. claire-sparkly. ;-) ...mermaids! haha..um...bright lights make me dizzy...


anyway. ...is it fate, karma, a cosmic reminder? is everything really connected?
the premonitions i've been having this week...are they really what i thought, or is it just that i've played out this routine so many times, i'm cynically predicting it ahead of time? what about the connections...my chiropracter's co-worker's wife was working the desk, and her son's best friend is (cute and funny, you'd like him) in my ear training class. do i know...you...that well? is it chance that these parallels exist?

or maybe i just had too many cookies.

rub my tummy for good luck. except it's no longer very round... i dont miss it, but i think it's sort of gross to lose one's womanliness...real women have curves. that makes me...um...me... who've thunk it.


you know somethings right when you're sitting there and all of a sudden you both start laughing, and you know exactly why, because it's for the exact same reason. that, my friends, is (thefreakinscariestthingeverwhenyouareonlyeighteen) true love.


i have a crazy crazy plan.



today it goes like this. i stop trying to explain myself, and you stop trying to define me. if to music majors i am sporty, and to the frisbee chicks im musicy, then it must somehow be that i am both. and if being at school has made me more quiet and withdrawn, it's not so bad to just listen. i do like to shop, and i'm slowly getting out of the jeans, teeshirt, hoodie phase of college. i wear my clothes until they fall apart...sadly that isnt as long as one would expect. my shoes have holes in them, but i cant find new ones that fit (psychologically). i'm starting to believe in chiropracters. i'm starting to believe in fate. i'm starting to believe in the power of the smallest act of kindness, an extra 50 cent tip. i'm starting to believe that i'm ready to move on. i'm starting to believe in caffeine, inner beauty, facewash, small children, high heels, bare feet, smiles, giggles, jeans, laughter, family, myself and you.



if you get there before i do
don't give up on me
i'll meet you when my chores are through
i don't know how long i'll be
but i'm not gonna let you down
darling wait and see
and between now and then
until i see you again
i'll be lovin' you
love, me

if i am in control of my actions, it follows that i am undeniably in charge of my inactions.




blast-off.

being with someone who requires a lot of attention makes one realize how much attention they themselves need.


weird.

euh...


nine days, three hours and forty minutes until thanksgiving.

i think at some point, all human beings find a common ground in our loneliness. because who hasn't been there?

just remember this. when you have it all, you won't know the difference, but when it's gone it's painfully obvious. so make sure to always enjoy things...you can't know if you'll ever have it again.


do you think we idealize the past?

i'm trying not to be emotionally distant.

but i mean, when i'm not, i always get hurt so...




maybe this is just part of me establishing a balance between my home life and my college life.

the road is never made of glass. which has its pros and cons. less breakable, yet much more bumpy.







wow, i suck.

it's almost strange that i became totally convinced of my male-centered sexuality not because of an indescribably amazing boyfriend, but instead because of an indescribably amazing lesbian friend.


because if i were gay at all, i'd surely be in love with her.




i wish you could see yourself the way i'd see you, and you'd glow with confidence and brightness.

because when it comes down to it, i don't like drunk people. at best, they might make me laugh for a total of three minutes. but honestly, the majority of the time, they embarass me.

that's exatly it. i find drunk people embarassing. (i feel like this should be self explainatory)

and you know, i love the escapism as much as the next person. i even thought about it, that i could just let go. but for me, it doesnt do anything. i escape in music, excersize, laughter, reading, watching movies. and hell, i admit that sometimes i even escape in sexual act. but alcohol bores and disgusts me. (not to mention that, being an excersize freak, it seems absurd to drink something that will dehydrate me and that my body wasn't made to process. it could ruin my game.)

so fuck me for not being 'normal' or 'fun.' i dont care if you drink as long as youre being safe about it. thats your buisness. but dont fucking tell me about it like i'm supposed to be proud of you, or like you're going to make me want to do it to. because i really don't give a shit.



i'll party, i'll dance, i'll laugh until i'm crying and can't breathe. and i'll have fun. and i don't need anything to help me do that.



(discaimer-to ruin the perfection of this, i should let you know that i like hard lemonade, and margaritas. but i haven't been drunk on it. maybe that's the point. self-control. besides..if you like alcoholic drinks that tase like pop...why not drink pop?)